All day long today I've tried, just as an exercise, to not distract myself. Not to do those things I do to just past the time and numb the edge and dull the free floating fear and dread that seems lately to be so much a part of my human experience.
And I discovered that I do a lot of numbing.
I love to read--but often I read not because I necessarily want to--but because it keeps my mind distracted. (Because honestly, how many times can I really need to read Protector of the Small.)
And then there's the sitting down in front of the laptop to check Facebook, (I DID make myself give up Perez Hilton a few months ago) my various emails, my blog stats, back to Facebook, then to Go Fug Yourself, and then MSN, and then back to Facebook. It's pointless.
There's more. (You know---check the fridge, check on that chin zit, etc.) But my main point here is that the majority of my non-working or Sophie-care related moments are spent just trying to avoid my head.
So today, I just tried to say, "Ok head. Here I am."
And apparently, there's a reason I've been trying to avoid that.
It sucketh. I seriously, seriously don't know what to do with myself other than list all the things to be afraid of and worried about.
But I'm going to keep trying. I'm operating under the assumption that eventually I'll get to the end of the list.
I'm not sure what to do with that "other" time. My guitar case is dusty and my callouses are gone, but maybe that would be a direction. Also, I don't look at the blog as an avoidance mechanism. I do think it's reflective, so maybe I'll try to post more than once a month.
A quick Soph said:
Sophie can memorize about anything if you put it to music. We sang the Girl Scout Law to the tune of "Home on the Range" a couple of times at the last Daisy meeting, and she got it in her head. She's been having me help her, and now she has the whole thing memorized. I was pretty proud of her, so I asked her if she'd like to recite the law at our next meeting. Her reply:
"Oooo! Can I wear a cloak and wear a crown and make a speech?"
She is so funny and confident. Cooper (my ten year old) spent last night crying to the point that he was ready to throw up because he has to be in a play and sing a song and do actions and he will never get over it. He will NEVER be the same if he participates in this event that goes against what he believes is the right (and cool) thing to do.
I vote for more blogging. It is reflective and that can be theraputic. Have you read "A new earth"? Some of it is just plain boring but there were some ideas in it that were anxiety reducing. Although it could have been the conversations I was having at the time that were anxiety reducing not the ideas in the book. The one I like best is just being present in this particular moment. Sound simple but not so easy to do. In this moment I have a job,my children are healthy, we have a home, food on the table etc. Try not to project too much into the future because worrying about it doesn't change it. And keep breathing! (Really oxygen is a great anxiety reducer.)
But would you still be missuzj if you were not worrying about something?
Posted by: reddirtgirl | March 02, 2009 at 09:15 AM
I am one of those people that feels like if I feel anything I have to feel EVERYTHING! So whenever I get stressed, or sad, or angry, or scared I push it to the back of my head and don't think about it. But then the next time I'm stressed, or sad, or angry, or scared, I not only have to deal with the current emotion and what's causing it but my brain says "While we're at it, why don't we revisit that time 3 months ago when you realized you had no idea what you were going to do after draduation, and add a splash of soul crushing guilt." YAY! So I've been making a real effort to deal with the present problem presently and then let it go. Starting that process has been a bitch though. But I feel like I've started cleaning out a particularly nasty closet and while things just get messier at first, I'm seeing progress.
I love you and if you need help sorting I'm here for ya.
Posted by: katydidz | March 02, 2009 at 01:29 PM
I know I've been a bit silent lately, but please know I am thinking about you every day. I sort of hate giving advice, but since you gave me some of the best advice I've had in a long time the other day on the phone, I'm going to charge forward with it. I'm really impressed that you are making this effort to reduce some of those time wasting activities, I think we would all be better off if we did that more often. I know I would. It does suck though, sometimes is sucks so much it's hard to bear. My advice/suggestion is that when it's getting too much to be in your head, bring your awareness down to your heart. It sounds cheesy, I know, but sometimes, I literally take my "self", my awareness of who I am, which usually resides up there in my head, and mentally grab it and pull it down into my heart. This is usually followed by my breath deepening, my jaw un-clenching, and those mental hamsters that just run and run and run on their wheels in my mind laying down to rest for a minute. Doesn't always last long, but it can be a welcome respite, for me anyways. I love you SOOO much! Hope to talk soon.
Posted by: amandak | March 04, 2009 at 09:45 AM
p.s. totally reading "The Blue Sword" for the jillionth time right now. (wish I was cool enough to make one of those little links too!) quite enjoyed "Rose Daughter"
Posted by: amandak | March 04, 2009 at 11:59 AM
hi, remember me? don't be afraid of your head. but be kind to yourself.
is this the one? on my honor, I will try to serve god, my country, and mankind, and to live by the girl scout law.
Posted by: patrice | March 06, 2009 at 04:00 PM
What you call distraction I call just keeping busy. It's good to keep busy. Idle hands and minds - and whatnot. It's nice to have time for reading. Playing guitar is great. I wish I could play. Imagine what kind of show Soph could do with a backup band.
Idle hands and whatnot.
I love reading you and wish you would post more. I read it within minutes of you posting though it takes me this long to get around to commenting.
Posted by: Nicole | March 07, 2009 at 06:58 PM
Me, too. (Love reading your blog and take forever to respond.) You have a fantastic and wonderful way with words no matter what you are saying.
Also me too to what Katydidz said about bringing your awarness to your heart. That is very much what I do when I am trying to bring myself into the present moment. (As corny as it does sound:)
How's the investigator's class going?
Posted by: reddirtgirl | March 08, 2009 at 07:14 PM